


Of Snow. Gilmore's Farewell.

by LilyBlackwood



Series: Of Snow [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Depression, F/F, F/M, M/M, Revelations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-06 17:26:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15199790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyBlackwood/pseuds/LilyBlackwood
Summary: Shaun Gilmore didn't know, yet. Nobody had told him about the recent victory and loss. How would somebody tell Gilmore that Vax's is gone?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A work which was written in the following weeks after episode 115 aired. Events are inspired by Matt's brief insight into Gilmore's life in an After Dark segment of Talks Machina.   
> A group consisting of amateur and professional voice actors (all critters) have come together to record it and you can find it on youtube. https://youtu.be/n6xIwINHPPY
> 
> Editor: Michael Loubier & Katie Sandy - Smith

The morning sun came over reddish rooftops and the smooth cobblestone of the road, while the city woke up from its slumber. Swirling between buildings and doors the stones also found their way to one elegantly crafted door which always amazed visitors and distant travelers. Beyond the hinges and wood, inside the somewhat small yet exceptionally decorated house, the smell of incense blended with a cold breeze from the outside. A pair of sheer, violet curtains moved gently while the air coming through the partly ajar window caressed them slowly.

A hot tea cup had been placed on a small, circular table and the steam coming from it danced on the surface of the still liquid just like an ice skater. The one who prepared it sat on a chair nearby wondering why in the deepest corners of his mind, he couldn't shake away the idea that the steam's movements should be accompanied by a song. He extended his hand towards the ring of the cup and paused again, not because it revealed some sort of metaphysical message – no, only just because the contents of that cup were still too hot to drink - both a blessing and a curse. He'd have more time to think about the upcoming day, plan his errands, plan his meetings. However, this deeply meditative circumstance that he found himself in was surreal. He drew his hand away from the cup and started playing with one of his shiny golden rings. As he was methodically and slowly spinning the ring on his finger, his eye settled on the rug and then moved to the small window with the long curtains he so adored - another silent musical number happening inside his house at this early hour.

He couldn't help but think that the wind creeping in from outside was such a cruel and cold lover to his poor curtains–and yet, they danced. The curtains moved as the wind instructed... and they will be left hanging, lifeless when the wind decides to leave... only... only to welcome it again as soon as he barged inside the house.

"Why is this morning so cold?" he flatly asked himself and the spell was broken. He straightened himself in his chair and took the ring of the cup again, taking a sip of the strong, delightfully aromatic tea. The temperature of the cup suggested he was a bit late with starting the day so he drove his hands through his somewhat curly, dark, shoulder length hair in a frustrated effort to tie it again so that some rebellious locks wouldn't leave the pony tail.  
"Serves me right for using silk to tie my hair..." he thought in a semi-amused monologue, while also reaching for his notebook to finally start working. His dark eyes moved faster and faster over his notes. He had to see suppliers today. He had to check the big tome of transactions he kept at the shop. He had a lot of work to do. A business doesn't care that you were abducted and almost turned insane by a god. Thankfully, Vox Machina had been their brilliant selves again. He smiled. He'll have to congratulate them. He'll buy them a present... or make one. Ah, he'd figure it out, but not today. "Certainly not today," he thought and began scribbling in his notebook.

The wind didn't only play with the curtains, it also gently pressed against the robe of Allura Vysoren each step she took on the same cobblestone, her heels were making a sweet, soft sound in perfect dissonance with her heart. Its beats were bitter, heavy and intensified as she gazed upon the sharp and beautiful decorations of the door. Absent mindedly she knocked and just as absent mindedly, the voice on the other side said, "Come in!"  
And there she was, going through what seemed to her the unknowing gates of an abyss she was about to create. The curtains moved upwards because of the draft she let in. Ignoring their lavish pleas and attempt to scare her away, she closed the door. They fell back to their position - acceptance.

She saw him writing in the notebook placed on his raised knee. The other extended foot showed off his expensive leather boots. Allura knew Gilmore never had a taste for cheap items if he had a choice. And Gilmore always extended his arms towards the variety and the beauty of life. His robes always expressed the exact same thing, however, today, he wore his signature attire, which was always violet salwar pants and a shirt of the same color tucked into his golden belt.

"Gilmore?" she announced her presence and he raised his eyes unaware of who was speaking. His eyes seemed tired, she thought but smiled while he rose to greet her.  
"Dearest Lady Allura!" he approached and took her in his arms for a second, releasing her with a cheeky smile. "Well, now I know the work I planned for today will go to dust. A visit from Lady Allura. I am at your disposal, my friend."  
He escorted her in and instead of pouring some tea like he did for himself, he commanded the cup and kettle to do it. He was towering over her as he held her hand and led her to a chair. She sat down calmly and couldn't help but smile politely.  
"Tell me... what now? The Council of Emon is giving you a rough time and you need to babysit them again, is that it?" he claimed his chair again and put away the notebook.  
"Oh, no. Well, in all frankness I have a meeting set up with the Council later today. That doesn't change much..." she said in the usual, soothing tone.  
"Politics... Ha! They should crown you queen and get it over with." He said jokingly and she shot him a disapproving smile. "Now, now... I know you don't attend these meetings out of pleasure. You're concerned with the fate of the people, I know." He shifted in his chair. "But I would rather know that you're in that chamber with them when decisions are made. If not, the fools would be placing a buffoon in charge of the capital." He let out a short laugh, interrupted by Allura's facial expression. Her eyebrows curled on her forehead, her eyes lowered, her lips sealed in a saddened arc.

"What happened, Allura?" his tone lost all its flavor and his voice echoed in search of an answer that did not come. With the not-so-distant attacks, he found his mind wandering towards the worst. He thought. "Allura, is it Kima? Is Kima alright?" he insisted.  
"Yes. Yes. Kima is in Vasselheim... I..." she broke off unsure of what she wanted to say.  
"You miss her, don't you?" Gilmore was more than relieved that Allura's companion and now wife was safe. It was like all the conversations they had while working together in Whitestone came back to him. He refused to let Allura's preoccupied mind and broken spirit at that time miss another opportunity of showing Kima how much she loved her. He silently grew proud remembering that he could be of help in the tumultuous times. Over those weeks at Whitestone, Allura became one of his most beloved friends. They worked a lot until the last drop of arcane energy faded from them for the day and then they would just enjoy some cheap wine while talking about anything else but the Conclave of Dragons. That's how they started exchanging stories. That's how he learned of Allura's feelings for Kima... That's how she learned about his feelings... for... "Ahem," he straightened his voice "Is everything alright with you two?"  
"Do you remember when you told me love will still exist even if I choose to ignore it?" she said raising her eyes, looking at him merciful as the kindest of goddesses.  
Gilmore rose from his chair, suddenly intrigued. He paced towards the window and touched the breathing curtains then swiftly turned to her again. Why did her golden hair immediately look like a halo? 'What's wrong,' he wondered. "Yes. We were in Whitestone. We were having a glass of wine..."

\--As you constantly played with one of Vax's fallen, black feathers – her thoughts cut off his sentence, but only in her mind. She didn't dare speak them.

She inhaled slowly, as he continued. "I kept telling you... Love... is easy to find. I fall in love daily" he resumed his flirtatious tone. "Finding someone who loves you... well..." he broke off shrugging theatrically.  
"That is a dance of minds and hearts that only those two people know the beginning and the end to..." she continued as she observed the so-called memory loss of his own piece of advice.  
It was Gilmore's turn to look at his boots, smiling yet wondering what was going through Allura's head. She was happily married now. Those times are ancient. There is no more despair in her heart, no more confusion.  
"It still exists for you, isn't that right?" she rose from the chair and Gilmore looked at her puzzled. "Even if you choose to ignore it." He continued staring at her stupidly, unsure where she wanted to lead the discussion. Her tone was more determined, almost commanding "I need to tell you something horrible. But first, I need to know how much this will shatter you because I know you, Shaun Gilmore. You'll put on your best act to hide it and even I might get deceived."  
"Allura... I can assure you... I don't know exactly where you're aiming at..." he said with a smile as she came closer and unapologetically began searching a hidden pocket near his chest. He thought about protesting but he didn't know what was happening. Allura never behaved this way towards him, she was never so worried.  
She took out a single, torn, yet still jet black feather and her eyes flooded with tears that rapidly began running down her cheeks. She looked at him and his expression was so vulnerable she put the feather back, her fingers shaking. She had to sit down again. Needed to sit down again. Gilmore's face disarmed her of any courage. He had the expression of an embarrassed child while he stood there stoic, letting her invade some dark corridors of his soul.  
"I'm sorry, Gilmore. I know my books, I know the arcane, yet no master taught what you've taught me." He simply stood there. Unmoved. The exuberant Gilmore. Reduced to stone. She continued, "You preached to me about love... and you always practiced what you preached. That was always the tragedy of your splendor. "

She spoke fast as if images and words were passing rapidly through her mind and she needed to convey them all in detail. "I remember the night after Hotis' attack on Vax. The second it was only you and me at that table, you burst into an angry fit that he had to live with an image, a fake image but an image nonetheless, of you, stabbing him. I remember your nervous gestures and how you wanted to go to the Nine Hells and kill everything in your path. I remember the afternoon when he descended with you in his arms from that cliff. When he put his hands on your face, we vanished in some other plane of existence. I've rarely seen that smile on you. I remember you telling me about his visits, how you spoke about uplifting his spirits when he thought the dragons are going to be his end and how grandiosely you'd fall when he stopped showing up. You loved him – unconditionally. Wherever he was in this world, you loved him. You weren't like me. You didn't need to think things through. You didn't need time. You needed him and somehow, you pushed yourself away all the time, for everybody's sake. You still harbor the same love for him. Not the love of a child, but that of an adult, understanding the consequences. Understanding that late night or early morning talks were all you were going to get. You probably shoved all this in an unmarked drawer that you never open, yet here I am. Opening a scar, again." She stopped as she felt she was losing her purpose. She wept... reasons for her actions mingled.

"I don't need more, Allura..." he said on a serious tone, devoid of all warmth. "Late nights. Talking. That's all I would ever expect. He is but a shadow. Always with me and I sometimes catch a glimpse of his heart, when he allows me to do so. " Allura sobbed again and since her crying didn't seem to stop, Gilmore approached her chair slowly and knelt in front of it.  
"Allura, I don't understand why you are so worried and so distressed, my dear... I knew what I was signing up for. A young boy, sharp wits and sharper blades, curiously beautiful and broken... My fault is that I realized how much of myself I had surrendered to him when it was beyond too late when I couldn't fight for him anymore. He's with Keyleth now and I wouldn't compromise that happiness for the world. If that is to be my tragedy, so be it..." he smiled and it was honest. The silk ribbon around his locks must have moved downwards again as it always did. The ribbon didn't know... the ribbon didn't care...

"Vax is dead, Gilmore."

A world ended...

Silence...

 

Allura drove her palm over the top of his head, caressing his hair. "They didn't tell you. When you saw Vax in that tower before the fight, when you told me his hands felt so cold on your face. I hoped your heart forgot him just a bit, that I wouldn't need to tell you he made a pact with the Raven Queen. He was nothing more than a revenant. He had to leave with her as soon as the battle was... oh... Shaun... I am so sorry. They are all suffering."  
Shaun Gilmore seemed lost in the sky blue of Allura's robes...

"You glorious, magnificent bastard...!" he heard Vax's voice echo from a painting locked in his mind. Vax, raven wings unleashed, with his long black hair messy; his lips smiling at him as the rogue had his palms on Gilmore's face.  
Then another image but this time of Vax's bloody hands, with Gilmore's own blood, crying over him as he felt the life leaving his body. His whispers..."Hey... Hey... Gil'..."  
"Shaun, I love you... as a dear, dear friend." said another Vax in his house in Whitestone, on a morning just like this.  
"Now you're just being a tease..." he heard his own voice in the back of his head...

His own voice?  
Allura had stopped crying but a few uncontrollable tears must have escaped his lashes. He felt the cold wooden floor under his legs, he wasn't kneeling anymore – he just sat on the floor. Allura was sitting down next to him, her hands caressing his face, the side of her forehead resting on his and the slow rocking back and forth they shared. He looked at her. He had to speak... did he even have a voice? He did. He just heard it, not seconds ago... 'Vax'ildan is dead.' The audible sentence wouldn't even form in his mind.

He had to see them. He had to visit a temple. He had to speak to Keyleth. He had so many things to do... maybe, at some point, he'll think about his pain, but not today. "Certainly, not today."  
He got up. Allura helped him, although it was completely unnecessary. He also caressed her face. "Lady Allura, my dearest friend... I despise the fact that you are still here right now, yet I must thank you from all my heart that you are. Thank you for being the one who told me. It means the world to me. That it was you. Here, in my home and not anyone else... anywhere else. I am going to Whitestone. Are you going to accompany...?"  
"There is no way you can even dream of it differently." She answered.

He knew he had to change for travel and he excused himself for a brief minute to change clothes. He thought just for a moment if his attire should be somber but immediately decided against it. He'd wear his best violet and golden traveling attire. When he moved the feather, he knew Vax had seen too much darkness, he wouldn't want to see him in mourner's clothes. Let the feather reside in the most expensive, colorful fabric. He smiled.  
Allura was waiting on the doorstep, and he observed that she had closed the window so that the curtain would stop blowing in the wind. He suddenly needed a bit of liquid down his throat so that he could find his proper voice. He went straight to the table, picked up the unfinished tea, holding the cup with his entire hand... and he realized:

"Lonely is the ring of a cold teacup"

He felt bitter but knew how to fix that. He opened the window and the curtain started blowing again in the wind. He looked at Allura. "Let them dance, my dear" he whispered and stepped outside. Magic carvings sealed the door. The cobblestone was the same as always, the street was the same, buildings – the same. But the air...

"It smells like... snow."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allura was the one to tell Gilmore about Vax's death. 
> 
> Gilmore's thoughts rushed to Vex and the rest of Vox Machina. He thinks of them because he can't stand thinking about his own pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A work which was written in the following weeks after episode 115 aired. Events are inspired by Matt's brief insight into Gilmore's life in an After Dark segment of Talks Machina.  
>  A group consisting of amateur and professional voice actors (all critters) have come together to record it and you can find it on youtube. https://youtu.be/n6xIwINHPPY
> 
> Editor: Michael Loubier & Katie Sandy - Smith

A beautiful, dark-skinned man with consuming dark brown eyes walked the streets, wearing robes of an excellent splendor; his hair gently-fixed in a pony tail as he walked silently with a golden haired woman. Her blue robes betrayed nothing of what just transpired behind the closed door of his house. The ticks and tocks of their heels were the only sounds coming from the pair as a few citizens of Emon turned their heads as they passed.

Lady Allura Vysoren was holding the famous merchant known as Gilmore by the arm. The other hand, hidden behind his back betrayed a closed fist. People were just stealing glances, and Allura was wise enough say nothing. She remembered an old story she had once read. The ending had no melody and now she was just playing a secondary part in Gilmore's tragedy. He led as if she didn't know the road to her reconstructed tower. His power did not amaze her but she found herself wondering what horrors or what love gives this man the determination to walk in this moment. Maybe that is why he led the way... it was precisely that.

He stopped just in front of her door, saying nothing, no smile, no pain being exhaled. Moving to open her door, it seemed that the ritual already began. She let him in and with a wave of a hand she uncovered the sigil carved on her tower's floor. The runes matched their silence.

Gilmore opened his Bag of Holding and pulled out a long, dark traveler's cape which he put on. If you didn't know Gilmore personally it seemed like the most mundane thing that each and everybody has done, but Allura tilted her head to the side. His actions were so slow. His actions were that of a sick man trying to conserve energy.

"I suggest you do the same, Lady Allura," he said in his usual tone -usual for anyone who didn't know enough to notice the lentor. She walked to her hangers and pulled off a dark blue cloak. "It's colder in Whitestone," he remarked. Her heart broke for his. Even in this moment, Shaun Gilmore was thinking of others.

"Gilmore..." she said in the most motherly of tones - "I can sit with you in a corner for the rest of the day, if you can tell me that is what you want. We can just ta..." she was interrupted by his lively, cordial tone.

"Don't be silly. You have a meeting to get back to in a few. I have a good idea to just argue with you that you should stay here and not make this journey to... - "her raised voice hit the round-shaped stones before he could utter another word.

"I told you, don't you even dream of it!" Her expression hardened and he let out a giggle. "Alas, I know that you would not leave my side today. I can't argue with you, Allura. Not here. Not today..." He looked down at the symbols on the grey stone and stepped inside of all of them. She took his hands in hers and held them against her chin. His closed fists raised her head towards him. "But I am honored to call you and Kima my friends."

She kissed his closed fists - a true friend's love – and her eyes flashed to white, their cloaks billowing upwards with the light. The scent of a chamber in dire need of some fresh air hit their senses.

It was Gilmore's house in Whitestone. They made these channeling sigils together so that they could both easily use them without burning out the arcane power they shared. He knew this yet, for a moment, he seemed unprepared for the view. A few droplets of blood, which didn't wash out completely, still stained his bed covers. He recuperated rapidly from his wounds in that bed.

"Can't say the same for the sheets" he remarked in his own mind. He let go of Allura and strode through the room. He had to face the chamber. The chamber where they last talked, just the two of them.

_Hey, this is not fair... Can I come in, to talk?_

Vax's voice crept in, without knocking this time. Just forcefully made its way in, shoving other memories aside. Gilmore exited his dormitory in a rush, as if he wanted to answer the two nonexistent knocks on the door. Allura followed without a word. She knew that each anti-hero was unique. So is Gilmore... so... was Vax... "Let them dance..." she whispered to herself.

The air was so unbreathable in the room; therefore she thought that was why her beloved friend hastily opened the door. However, it was not the air for Gilmore while he cursed his foolishness he knew perfectly well that he opened the door out of... hope.

_Would you like some tea?_

The memory of his own voice saying the sentence sent shivers down his spine so he pulled his robe closer to his body and turned back to face Allura with a half-smile. "I am so grateful you're here..." and he walked out the door. Her feet followed him from a distance. "He knows I will always be a step behind him. This is the moment I let him... worry and put on his show. Oh, Kima. How you left the room when I told you I'm going to Gilmore's. How I found you angry and shedding a single tear at the kitchen table. I saw you clutch your coffee mug. I know you were asking Bahamut why there has to be so much pain in the life of us simple souls. Dear Kima, I have become the warrior angel you always envisioned me to be – yet, this time... I delivered only the news of death. I'll see you soon, my precious... but today, I need to be the axis mundi of our dearest friend. I love you, my sweetest... You're the best of wives and best of women."

Allura finished her message to Kima and just walked steps behind Gilmore. He was on a mission. He couldn't be stopped, swayed or silenced. She didn't even try.

His body moved faster and faster towards Whitestone Castle. She let him bask in the distance between them. He needed to be close to his thoughts, not her presence.

Gilmore was indeed on a mission. There was only one man he knew where to find in that instant... Percy. He went straight for Percy's workshop. The guards nodded a salute when he passed by and he returned the same half-hearted smile, knowing that Allura' salutations would excuse him. He went straight for the chamber, picking up speed that he didn't really expect. He knocked twice and entered directly as Percy switched his reading glasses to his usual ones.

Gilmore did not allow him the well-mannered time to get up and greet him properly. They were past that. Cordialities work only when you haven't properly seen the cords of the other, yet Gilmore knew exactly what made Percy's heart sing.

Upon seeing him come in, Percy rose from his chair, just because it was Gilmore standing in front of him. A little out of breath, a little unexpected visit – but just a little because Percy was clever enough to know why this man somewhat burst into his workspace.

Percival placed his weight in only one leg as he observed him and waited respectfully for their silent dialogue to reach its end. The punctuation on their unspoken, unuttered sentence was the image of Allura in the corridor.

"Gilmore..." he said with a broken voice and polite nod. "Percy..." Gilmore whispered lowering his head to the side. Percival went around his desk and came in front of him. His smile was that of a relative at a funeral. He looked over Gilmore's shoulder and pressed his lips together in the same half-hearted smile which he shot to Allura.

_So, Vax'ildan, tell me what's on your mind?_

Gilmore's own voice muttered the sentence in his head and he must have phased out of reality because the next thing he felt was Percy's hand on his arm. His eyes were searching for his. Percy had something to say... and it was of dire importance for his own redemption.

"I did my best, in the moment. I tried stepping between them..." Percy's white hair betrayed some knowledge which nobody at his age should have. That's exactly what made Percy horrible. His young years. Life couldn't pin Percy down, just like death never could either. "The calculated rebel, the man too smart for his own good."- Gilmore thought and smiled towards him - "Where is she?" he asked.

"In her room, that's where she wanted to be today." He crossed his arms in an embrace towards himself. Gilmore gave him a wide, bittersweet smile and turned around just to have Percival's voice hit the back of his head. "I would have sacrificed myself wholeheartedly if that meant not breaking the mirror between her and her brother... You know that, Gilmore. I don't understand how... but I know you know." Percy's voice was soft yet without an ounce of regret. Shaun Gilmore stopped his pacing towards the second floor and looked over his shoulder.

"He wouldn't have forgiven you for that..." he said and slowly turned back to his path, leaving Percy with Allura. He cared about them so much yet he had to find Vex. His whole body screamed out her name.

When he found the master dormitory, he knocked respectfully until he heard the voice on the other side allowing him entrance. A Vex he never saw before sat in the middle of her room, wondering why she was needed. A Vex covered in a high class black and dark blue dress looked at him.

_You know we are getting closer to the end game here..._

She still looked too much like her brother. So much that he couldn't stop the dialogue between him and Vax happening in his mind. She let her shoulders fall limp; there was no royalty in the movements which betrayed her history in the woods, camping outside towns with her twin brother. She ran towards him and locked him in an embrace...

"Oh, darling... You found out..." She probably had thought of something to continue that sentence with, yet the moment Gilmore felt her warmth on his chest, he knew she wouldn't be able say it all verbally.

"Vex'aliah... I am so sorry this happened to you. So incredibly sorry." He didn't let go of her, pushing his hand to the back of her head, rocking her from one side to another. "No, darling... I am incredibly sorry. I didn't muster the courage, will or time to come tell you... Fuck, Gilmore... I lost him." She began sobbing in the alcove that united his neck and shoulder.

 _'We just killed another one of the dragons'_ Vax's voice settled in again.

He had to get away from Vex's grasp. She looked so much like her brother. He just let out a long, barely audible: "Shhh..." Was he trying to silence Vex or the memory of his and Vax's conversation? Was silence really the best guest to bring to this chamber? He took a look into her eyes and distanced himself from her.

The incredibly beautiful Vex'ahlia seemed like she would have fallen to pieces if it wasn't for the tight corset holding her in place. She wiped her tears rapidly with her arm, having no handkerchief. Her eyes wandered towards the dust, which was now exposed by the sun's rays. She should have opened the window but that was too much of an invitation for the outside world. Gilmore could stay, but the fresh air and the birds' songs would have crowded the room. Nothing had changed in the master bedroom since she and Percy had gotten married and had all their belongings moved there. Nothing had changed except that now, the entirety of the room was filled by a space in which Vax wasn't.

First of all, she needed to figure out how to deal with that and only after, could she go out into the world. Could you imagine all the space in the outside world where Vax should have been, but wasn't?

 _'How many is that for you? Three? Four? You're making a name for yourself.'_ A Gilmore from the past said while sipping tea.

The present Gilmore watched Vex go towards the bed and sit on the edge. All her hair gathered in an orderly manner, feathers still on its side. Vex's hair and Gilmore's pocket shared a secret that their owners didn't know about. She spoke full of confidence. "The only reason why I am even struggling to accept this is because it was his will. I've rarely truly argued with my brother..." she smoothed out the wrinkles of her dress. "...because he would always let me win the argument. I have to do this little thing for him now... let him win." She closed her eyes and raised her face. "Pity he didn't teach me how. It's his own damn fault..." she said sarcastically, in a raised voice.

_'I'm proud of you'_

Oh, and how much truth did that sentence contain. Years after it was uttered, it still remained one of the most truthful things Gilmore had ever said to the brooding rogue.His sister now before him needed to hear the exact same words. "I'm proud of you, Vex'ahlia." His arms didn't want to help him create his typical dramatic movements. Therefore, to hide that, he found his way to the edge of the bed and sat next to her. "I thought I had to come here to tell you these things. You are rendering my visit short, dear."

Vex laughed and placed her head on his shoulder. "Do you know, when we said our goodbyes, he didn't fear. He wasn't afraid. I didn't even consider asking him if he was. Grog did." She laughed softly again. "Grog reduced all our conversation to its essence. We all feared, feared for him, feared of losing him, but not Vax." Gilmore couldn't help but honestly laugh and embrace her again. Vax and fear always had a rocky relationship. She whispered over his shoulder. "Could you do me a favor, dear?"

He broke off in his usual tone. "Why of course!" Her eyes really did look at him begging for a confirmation. "Would you go see Scanlan as well?" He rapidly picked at his mind thinking why particularly Scanlan? What made Vex bring him up so randomly? She probably saw the questions in his facial expression. "He tried so hard to save Vax. He was holding on to one of his 'Wishes' for Vax. He tried to. But it was Vax or the world..." She broke off and exhaled deeply.

Gilmore understood more of the fray of a battle than he would have liked to. But what was the use of having the world's most powerful arcane magic under your feet, if it failed to save your dying friend? Of course he would go see Scanlan. "Of course, I'll go to him." And he rose to his feet. "He's in Whitestone. He and Pike got a house close to the Sun tree." Gilmore's amazed look and sudden "Ahamm" tone, followed by his signature smile made Vex burst into laughter. The good news invigorated him and happiness shone upon both of them. His movements came back to him. "Well... That just goes to prove that if you're persistent enough with what you want... Ha, ha!"It was impossibly good to see Vex smile. Only in that instant he did he understand why her brother always went out of his way to make her smile. She had one of the most ravishing smiles he'd ever seen.

Memories flooded, they came cascading in. He had to run. She interrupted his thoughts with a tug of his sleeve. "My brother was so lucky to have you. Such a lucky bastard to catch your eye, out of all the potential people who could have broke his heart, he found you – the most understanding and caring person he could have poured the first feelings of love towards." Shaun Gilmore had to run but his feet wouldn't listen, his heart did all the listening. "I don't know the details of what happened between you two, Gilmore." She also rose from the bed and went to look outside of the window. Just to check if it was safe enough to exist now. She continued from that spot, turning towards him. "But I could figure that you were his first, confusing, beckoning and tumultuous love by the stupid grin he always had on his face after seeing you." She looked around at all the objects in the room, that Vax had never touched, and when her eyes settled on Gilmore's peaceful sight, only in that instant did she realize what the word "familiar" meant. "Thank you for not breaking his heart."

Shaun Gilmore nodded at her and raised his hand as if saying "don't mention it." He turned towards the door and walked away. "Oh no, really, don't mention it. Just don't..." he thought and from the downstairs welcoming chamber he heard Percy and Allura's voices. He stopped right there on the stairs, on the other side of the wall. He had to sit down for two seconds as he felt lightheaded. In his glorious attire, he sat on the stairs of Whitestone Castle. He couldn't make out any of their conversation because another one took over.

_'So, what brings you here so early in the morning?'_

He was trying to discard from his memory the way he added the word "friend" to that sentence as he was self-conscious of how stupidly he said it.

 _'I think I might be dead in a couple of days'_ He remembered Vax's tone in detail. Gilmore didn't even consider the possibility; he would have had to open his mind to a completely new domain back then. There was nothing dramatic about that morning almost two years ago. No omen of death, therefore Gilmore discarded such a trail of thought but Vax spoke on. ' _I came here to apologize.'_

Realizing his surroundings as the coldness of the stairs reached him, he instantly thought to himself. "Not here. Not today" and took a couple more seconds before getting up. "If someone were to come in now, they would probably see the most pathetic sight", Gilmore thought. Him sitting on the stairway and Percy and Allura talking, having a coffee on the other side of the wall. Gilmore liked a spot of drama but despised the pathetic. He let his boots carry him into the room. He knew the script. He knew exactly what he had to say and how to say it. Percy and Allura turned their heads to meet the regular man they knew.

"It seems that I have to make my visit a bit longer, Allura." He casually walked towards them. "Scanlan is in Whitestone. He contacted me to talk business a couple of days ago and I might as well go see him."

Percy grinned in his cup and added "Ah, I was just telling Allura that Grog might get to be a flower girl after all..." he laughed, placing his cup down. "I know I'm going to see a wedding invitation quite soon."

Sounds of laugher united. In the grimmest, bleakest of times, Scanlan and Pike were the ones who fabricated humor and hope out of dust. It was always so. Pike's light always guided others, while Scanlan's songs inspired. Neither of them ever understood that they were glue that kept everybody together, kept the world spinning. Eppur si muove, no matter the tragedies.

"Allura..." Gilmore said intentionally prolonging the last 'a' of her name. "I can hear them putting a buffoon in charge of the capital. I don't even need to scry for that." Gilmore had to send her on her way. He was a grown man, and the initial shock of the news had passed. Gilmore was now confident that he was going to be fine. He was now able to shut Vax's voice out of his mind because he didn't recollect the next portion of their dialogue.

Allura got up and looked like she was going to riot against his will. She didn't. She realized what the 'glorious bastard' had done. He came in that room prepared to divert the conversation, and Percy even did that for him. If she wanted to protect Gilmore's composed image she couldn't argue with him in front of Percy. Gilmore needed his persona more than anything right now, and Percy needed to believe the charade. Gilmore tricked her into leaving. That was the truth, yet she wasn't upset. She moved to Percy and squeezed his hands and then planted a kiss on Gilmore's cheek while telling him, "I'll be in Emon for the rest of the day."She then proceeded to leave the room as Gilmore went towards Percy. They shook hands and paused to look at each other. Percival smiled, closed his eyes slowly and nodded. They didn't speak another word to each other, and neither did they need magic for their minds to understand each other. Gilmore followed Allura's example and exited the room, then the castle but the mimicry of her road stopped when he had to turn towards the Sun Tree.

The temperature in Whitestone was always lower than in the rest of the cities. Perhaps the sun forgot that having a Sun tree in town doesn't mean it also provides heat. He looked up at the sky - it was of a whitish blue color, and there was the sun, indeed powerless.

He wrapped his robe closer to his body and he stopped the first boy that he saw in his path. Naturally, the child knew where the 'funny gnome and kind lady lived'. The child recognized the 'magician' his parents referred to as 'Mr. Gilmore'. At the dining table they often said, "This town is lucky Lady de Rollo keeps such good company. I saw Mr. Gilmore working on the shield of the town again. This town would be a giant crater without that Gilmore fellow." It had become a family tradition to go over the places they had seen Gilmore each day, working on the shield. It had become a family game. They had to stop playing it when he left town to go back to his business, but now the little boy knew he just won the game. He saw him. He even spoke to him.

Without hesitation, the child took Gilmore by the hand and dragged him towards the house he wanted to go to. The 'magician' did not oppose him in the slightest, just awkwardly tried to match the boy's speed without toppling over. He laughed as the boy told him how nice the gnomes are to him.

When they finally reached the door, it was just slightly ajar, showing how the two welcomed everybody into their midst. The boy knocked and pushed the door open to show Gilmore the image of Scanlan unpacking paintings. The one which Scanlan was holding up using Bigby's hand was anything but decent and when he turned and saw the boy, his eyes widened and Bigby's hand turned the painting towards the wall.

"Benny... We're going to start locking that door at some point and you'll have to knock and wait until we open up, ok? You can still come over any time you want just let's make this our game, ok?" Scanlan said that in a heartbeat but there wasn't any scolding happening. It was just a fair warning. Benny wasn't bothered; he had bigger fish to fry, bigger things to show Scanlan. He pulled Gilmore in the doorframe, pushing the wood aside to show his entire face.

"Gilmore!" Scanlan shouted and put on the biggest grin. Benny crossed his arms together and gave himself an imaginary pat on the back by nodding with self-importance. He had seen his father do that each time he finished a piece of furniture he had been working on for a long time. He had done well.

"Benny, out of all the things I made you get for me from town, this is by far the most necessary item I didn't even ask for. Good job." Scanlan went close to the boy and they were both about the same height. "Now, did you get a chance to ask your father for those nails I need?" he inquired.

"No, Mr. Shorthalt. I found Mr. Gilmore when I was heading home. I'll go fetch those right away!" The boy cracked a smile. "But since I brought him here, can I have two stories tonight, instead of just one? Please?!" He put his hands together in a praying gesture. "I need to know if Clarotta was evil or not! How did Vox Machina escape the Underdark?" His eyes were intrigued and full of wonder.

"Yes, yes, little critter. You can have two stories. Now go, Mr. Gilmore and I need to talk business a bit." Scanlan gave in without minding the request that much and with a loud "Yay!" Benny ran past Gilmore's frame. Stopped. Came back. Looked at Gilmore.

"Can I ask you somethin'?" Gilmore bent down to one knee so he could listen. "Can you still do magic?" The man snapped his ringed fingers and sparks of violet arcane energy popped around his hand. "Whooooaaaa..."

"Benny. Nails." said Scanlan's amused tone. "Oh, shi...right! Bye, Mr. Gilmore, sir." He said waving his hand in front of him as if his conversation partner was miles away instead of inches.

"It was a pleasure meeting you, young Benny -," Gilmore said and let him run out of the house. They were alone just a few seconds because Benny came back, shut the door he left open and ran away again. They heard his running from inside the house. Gilmore had a smile on his face the whole time. "Children's songs and stories? Hmm, now that I think about it, it suits you. Benny seems to like them."

Scanlan made room for Gilmore on the couch, so the man sat down between couples of oversized boxes that were laid all around the house. Obviously, Pike was not home at that moment and he found it extremely convenient.

"Oh, Benny...? His parents work a lot. Father's a carpenter, mother's a cook at the castle. I needed some supplies one day and asked him for help. He brought everything I asked for in a couple of hours. We grew fond of him and we just keep an eye on him when his parents can't. They're good people." Scanlan instructed Bigby to move the painting into a larger box and eventually sat next to Gilmore, looking pleased.

"You seem to do well with him. Ready to have more?" The simplicity of the conversation mended Gilmore's spirit, and the gnome just looked in a distant corner of the room, with a daydreaming nuance to his voice. "I don't know. Certainly if that's what Pike wants." He looked so pleased indeed. "Although," he shifted in his chair only now realizing the sheer number of wrapped up paintings and drawings, "I think you'll be selling me a lot of Minor Illusion enchantments." His eyes moved across all the objects in the room. "It has come to my attention today that Pike and I both have a thing for very explicit art. Somehow we've collected more than we should have." He turned to Gilmore with a faintly worried look.

"It's gonna cost me big time, isn't it?" Scanlan could almost hear the money leaving his satchel since Gilmore's Glorious Goods had the priciest enchantments; the best in all Exandria, yet the priciest. The merchant in Gilmore raised his hand to his bearded chin. "Why don't you just have a painter modify them?" he asked.

"Are you crazy, man? I still want to be able to zap the spell out of them and look at them, you know?" Scanlan protested very loudly and Gilmore had no other response than an extended laugh. The gnome's face was laughing as well until it got a bit darker and he shook his head. He wanted to shake off the thoughts that got to him. "You've heard about Vax, haven't you?" he asked Gilmore in a low voice while scanning the room.

"Yes," the reply came in a heartbeat, Gilmore's head still tilted on back edge of the couch and he closed his eyes. "I also heard about you. What you have tried to do for him." He was wondering what solace he could bring to the bard who always had his words prepared.

"We are unbelievable shits for not telling you sooner." Scanlan began searching for something in one of the boxes. Maybe for the first time, he had no excuse that he could just construct on the fly. Truth be told, he had thought about telling Gilmore but since everything happened to fast, he eventually just discarded it. "We were unfair to you. Maybe you would have wanted to say goodbye as well."

A sharp pain hit Gilmore's stomach. The prospect of sitting there, saying goodbye terrified him immensely. "Vax didn't want to tell me. You just went along," he said, and from that very open and exposed position he reverted to sit with his elbows on his knees, stroking his face with both palms. He heard the sound of papers and when he opened his eyes there was a parchment the gnome was trying to give him.

He took it from Scanlan's hands and opened it to find a list of people and businesses, information and every detail of the services they offered. He recognized some names on the list, as well as some shady businesses he had only heard about.

"Those are all my contacts from Ank'Harel. You probably already have dealings with some of them. I'm giving this to you. Whenever you want to collaborate with them just mention the Meat Man. Tell them the Meat Man sends his regards." Scanlan began searching for something in the box. Something nonexistent this time, because he had no idea what to say to Gilmore. It felt wrong. It felt unfair.

It passed through Gilmore's head that this is what Scanlan wanted to discuss with him. He just handed over some very valuable information. It was clear that Gilmore would not use most of the shady fellows, but one never knows.

"Thank you, Scanlan. I'll be making some deals for Sherry." It seemed perfectly reasonable that the gnome stopped while his eyes questioned him. "I'll still be in charge of the business, but I have decided to give her the shop in Emon." It was an idea that had been looming over his head for quite some time. Nobody knew about it. He actually didn't even express the idea in a full sentence until now.

"Where are you going?" Scanlan asked politely. Gilmore got up, and set the folded parchment into his Bag of Holding. He had no definitive answer to that because nothing in life was definitive, so it seemed. He extended his arms. "The world awaits, now that you've made it safe again. Who knows? Maybe I'll get to see more of it until the next disaster!" he laughed and started heading to the door.

"It was very nice seeing you, Gilmore." Scanlan raised his voice from behind him.

"I'll have Sherry send you a bunch of those enchantments." The man added and as he wanted to touch the door knob he heard heavy footsteps from the other side. He jumped a step backwards as soon as he sensed the door as it moved towards his face. In front of him, the giant frame of Grog Strongjaw blocked the door.

Grog took a step backwards as well and moved his head round assessing the surroundings with a frown on his face. He looked at Gilmore, he looked at the house, and then back at Gilmore as Scanaln appeared between them.

"It's alright, Grog. You didn't open the wrong door. It's my house. Gilmore was just visiting." The bard sounded impossibly amused. "Oh -" came Grog's reply. "Bidet, Gilmore!" and Grog bowed his head way too low for this common Marquisian courtesy.

"Hello, big man. I should have imagined you'd be here in Whitestone." Gilmore said.

Pretty much imitating Benny's actions, Grog folded his arms with pride. "Oh yes, yes... duty calls. I had to include the Raven's Rest in my official Grand Poobah tour..." The name immediately caught Gilmore's attention.

"Grog... no...shh..." Scanlan's voice squeaked from below but probably Grog didn't even hear him because he continued nonchalantly - "People want to see the bench and what other great storyteller to tell them about it?" The barbarian lowered his eyes towards Scanlan and finally remarked the gnome's not-so-subtle gestures.

Scanlan tried waving at Grog but since the big fellow had his nose up high, he couldn't see him. So he resorted to hitting Grog's leg. "Shit..." the bard said while turning to Gilmore. "Amm... They named it... after... ravens?" he giggled uncomfortably.

"No, silly! They named it after Vax...," Grog was scratching his head. "You know... the bench is there... Pfff... like you don't know about Pike's bench for Vax... d'oh!" Scanlan threw his arms in the air with a sign that he's been defeated. Grog could not possibly take a hint. All the money in the world couldn't buy Grog a hint. He gave up and turned to Gilmore who had a mixture of confusion and humor carved into his expression. He just glanced at Scanlan with a nod and continued to talk to Grog.

"Where is this bench? Where's Raven's Rest?"

If Grog would have had a business hat in his Bag of Holding this would have been the best moment to put it on. "If you wish to go on a tour, I'll have you know that we are closed for the day. You can pay the fares tomorrow and I'll escort you."

Scanlan's voice immediately followed Grog's - "Geez... " and the gnome sat on one of the boxes and shouted at the goliath. "I can't believe this! Grog your heart is surpassed only by the greatness of your mouth. Could you at least just tell him where it is!?"

"Oh. Ok. It's at the edge of the woods. Real pretty there too. " He shut up suddenly because Scanlan was shaking his head in the same manner Vex did when he was "bad"-; the goliath decided to just let the deal slide. "You get an ally discount, then. But that doesn't include me walking you there!"

Gilmore didn't mind in the slightest; he knew the direction he should be heading in. Thanking the Grand Poobah he bowed in an exaggerated Marquisian manner and Grog seemed more than pleased. "Beep beep!" he said and made room for the man to exit. Before stepping out Gilmore took one last glance at Scanlan, smiling and his lips formed a silent "thank you."

As soon as he shut the door to Scanlan's house, he heard the bard's voice shouting again at the massive goliath. "You're kidding me? We almost killed him last time we saw him, out of a mistake, and now you are asking him for money to tell him where Vax's monument is. Vax! Out of all people!" The secret was that the door to Scanlan's house didn't actually shut at times. Gilmore learned that when he realized he could hear them from the street. Grog's sheepish voice came through the crack "Did I fuck up?"

"No, you've just been learning from me far too well... its better that he knows, anyway" Scanlan looked at Gilmore's frame disappear yet Gilmore did not hear the last sentence. He was wondering how marvelous it was that he didn't have to leave Scanlan alone and in silence between all those boxes. Silence wasn't a good guest right now, in anybody's house.

There was a friend he would have also loved to talk to right now, but that friend was gone... There were voices in the streets but horrendously, none of them were his. Gilmore felt powerless, just like the Whitestone sun. He tried focusing on any minute warmth coming from its rays...

"Not here. Not today" said the sun mockingly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After hearing about Vax's fate, Gilmore saw Vex and at her request, he went to see Scanlan as well. He also found Grog, who couldn't hold his tongue about Pike's bench. 
> 
> Gilmore had to see it, he went towards the woods of Whitestone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A work which was written in the following weeks after episode 115 aired. Events are inspired by Matt's brief insight into Gilmore's life in an After Dark segment of Talks Machina.  
>  A group consisting of amateur and professional voice actors (all critters) have come together to record it and you can find it on youtube. https://youtu.be/n6xIwINHPPY
> 
> Editor: Michael Loubier & Katie Sandy - Smith

Wind moved the leaves of the forest, beckoning him closer, inviting him to join the sounds of ravens in the distance. Head held up high, he followed. Wherever the wind escorted him today, he would go. The cold breeze hugged his body over and over again, moving his cloak from time to time. A small path and some tumbling leaves greeted him as he left the cobblestone and entered the conglomerate of trees.

Indeed, the bench Grog mentioned was very close to the edge of the forest and it just stood there, inviting visitors to its quiet, protective lair. He inspected it by gently touching the stonework and it amazed him that it was not as rough as he imagined. His fingertips slid over it, taking in the coldness of the stone. Only in this solitude could he admit that he felt a bit tired. The sensation was like a sickness, a cold or some other form of disease you might come down with.

He sat on the bench pretty much the same as he did in Scanlan's house: arms extended, head thrown on the back edge, all the while keeping his eyes closed. He remembered the song that got stuck in his head while he was closely watching the steam ice skater from his tea cup that morning. "Was that indeed today?" he asked himself full of surprise. That Gilmore was so far away from him, he couldn't even remember what had been going through his mind.

Shaun Gilmore was alone in the woods, just like he had been most of his life - alone in some sort of woods - nobody near him to occupy the space left on the bench. He inhaled deeply and let out a long sigh. The fresh air in his lungs cut through the last curtain separating his memories.

_'If you think I have no feelings for you, you're kidding yourself. I care for you very deeply. I have for a long time.'_

Vax's words played hide and seek between his thoughts and the sound of the trees blowing in the wind. His own mind had done enough hiding. Outside, in these woods, his mind could be his murderer if he surrendered in front of the millions of images of moments which will never happen again. It was no use trying to stop Vax's voice from becoming more and more audible. Why did he have to remember?

_'And I don't think I treated you fairly. But I wasn't playing games'_

There was a note of desperation in Vax's voice when he said that. Gilmore remembered how much he wanted to divert the conversation. How much he wanted to hear Vax saying those things, but not if it hurt him. That boy showed up, at his door, out of nowhere, heart in his palm and Gilmore was afraid he might even consider the possibility of giving in. How disastrous that would have been!

_'Shaun... '_

Why did his name echo more when Vax said it?

_'It's been a little weird lately and I understand why, but I want you to know that I love you as a dear, dear friend...'_

Gilmore wanted Vax to stop, but didn't know how to shut him up without sounding brutal. The boy was apologizing, after all. A needless thing to do but if it calmed him down, Gilmore could have gone with it. The problem appeared when Vax's voice got to some mumbling of excuses.

_'And I really don't think I'll be here in a couple of days and... I... I would hate to think...'_

Enough! Please... _"Shhh..."_ The Gilmore from the bench let the sound escape him. The sound did not leave him on its own. Something warm and wet was sliding down from his eyes towards his ears.

_'Number one. That's way too fatalistic for the Vax'ildan I know. Number two. Look! The world is on fire around us! We jump at the little bit of comfort which finds its way before us.'_

"Do we, Gilmore? Do we?" He asked himself from the bench. "Practice what you god damn preach, if you're so wise."

_'I appreciate the honesty and I am thankful for the connection that we do have.'_

Gilmore wanted to giggle at the stupidity of that statement, although it was not a lie. It was said without the prospect of ever being remembered while sitting in the woods... on a bench which commemorates Vax's life when he is... no more.

_'Heartbreak comes and heartbreak goes. It's a part of life.'_

"Too bad this heartbreak is part of...." The antonym didn't want to form in his mind. He remembered he joked. He couldn't remember the joke. Because the joke was a complete lie and he didn't have the custom of remembering lies. He was fine. He's always been fine in the solitude he sometimes enjoyed – in the woods.

The openness of his position was too much to bear again. It would have seemed that his head was hurting just a tad. He had to focus extensively to stop the faded conversation from becoming vivid again.

His silk ribbon must had fallen somewhere near the bench because when he took his head into his palms, he felt his hair contouring over his ringed fingers. He was just standing there, head in hands, in the woods, like his soul had done many times in his loneliest of hours. Not but a few minutes had passed when he heard somebody coming towards him through the leaves. He took his fingers from his eyes and in the haziness of his headache he saw a white-haired little lady, muddy and worried. As soon as she saw his condition, her blue eyes filled with yellowish energy and the light of her symbol blinded him, taking away the pain from his skull.

"Pike-" he said trying to go back to his normal self. She had climbed onto the bench and was now at the same height as him. He let his arms surround her. "Thank you, my lady. This is again one of those countless times in which you have saved me."

"It's ok. It's ok, Gilmore" she whispered in his ear. "I'm with you." She was unquestionably the light in all their lives.

"You bring hope to this world with your marvelous creations. Sitting here, I was able to remember things long forgotten."He had resumed his casual tone.

"It seems like it gave you a headache. That wasn't the plan" she said while picking up a ribbon from between the leaves. Gilmore smiled and tried to make sense of his hair which was now messy and a bit tangled because of the wind.

"He would really hate it to see you like this... now, turn around. I guess this ribbon is yours. I mean, it's silk and it's your color. Let's fix you up," she demanded and the sound of another female voice telling him what to do cracked a smile on face.

"Alright," he said and turned his back towards her.

"You know, Vax always used to make these buns in my hair. He'd call them fun buns-," she explained while running her fingers through Gilmore's hair, trying to catch every stand of it in her grasp. His curls sometimes escaped from her grasp.

Gilmore laughed. "Fun buns?" he repeated.

"Yeah. I don't think he knew what that meant. We always laughed, but never actually told him." The sound of falling leaves and giggles could be heard in the woods. "Did he ever manage to do something to your hair? Cause this is taking forever." A little bit of frustration could be heard in her tone. Gilmore's hair was barely cooperating.

"Once, when we first came to Whitestone after the dragon's attack, after you healed me and brought me back." Pike carefully listened while just caressing Gilmore's hair."One night, he came to my chamber and asked me to make room for him on the bed. He just sat behind me and combed and braided my hair. We talked a bit, and I must have fallen asleep. He didn't move, just held me, probably for hours. I do remember when he laid me back on the pillow and I do remember him crawling in bed next to me. However, when I woke up the next morning, he was gone."

At a point, while Gilmore was talking, Pike had managed to tie his hair perfectly. He turned towards her when he stopped feeling the slight pull of his hair. "That's beautiful. You... he...ahm - I'm sure he loved you very much," she spoke in a low voice. Gilmore didn't comment, just watched her jump from the bench as soon as she felt too emotional. Her signal to him was brief; they should be leaving. He took one last glance at the bench and wrapped his travelling cloak tighter.

He walked Pike to her house, asking her how she happened to be in the woods at precisely that hour. It looked like he had to meet each and every one of them today. "I was playing with Godric," she announced proudly. Gilmore imagined how that would work, the little yet strong Pike and the gigantic wolf running together through the trees. That's why she was so muddy.

Scanlan immediately came out of the house, as soon as he heard their voices outside the door. Pike took his hand and planted a kiss on his cheek. He, in turn, took out a stone from his pocket and extended his hand to Gilmore.

"I took it from Percy. Keyleth has the other one." He kept his extended hand open until Gilmore took the teleportation stone from him with a slight bow. There was no question about it. He had to go see the last member of Vox Machina. By coincidence or the luck of the draw, he managed to see all of them in the same day. Therefore, it only felt right to get it over with. Maybe he would not have the same courage tomorrow. Who can know what happens tomorrow? A night would separate them. Incredibly enough, it was the first time Gilmore dreaded the idea of falling asleep.

"Thank you... how did you know I wasn't gone already?" Gilmore looked at Pike and she shook her head, refusing any suspicion of collaboration.

"Gilmore ma' boy, I can still scry. Now, take it. Go." Scanlan took Pike by the waist and she waved at him addingin a motherly tone, "take care, Gilmore. We love you."

Indeed, the two gnomes were the ones keeping everybody together. They certainly kept Gilmore together, reminding him that the wind can sometimes whisper almost forgotten stories, especially when you take the time to listen to the woods you've been haunting for so long. He probably would have minded if it was anyone else scrying on him, but it was Scanlan.

Unsurprisingly, Gilmore blew them a kiss and their image was the last one he saw. Their smiling faces were enough for him.

Light in darkness. Song in silence. Wind in the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let us know your opinions. Thank you!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a nudge from Scanlan, Gilmore goes to Keyleth to talk about the grim events concerning Vax's death.  
> They discuss and remember...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A work which was written in the following weeks after episode 115 aired. Events are inspired by Matt's brief insight into Gilmore's life in an After Dark segment of Talks Machina.  
> A group consisting of amateur and professional voice actors (all critters) have come together to record it and you can find it on youtube. https://youtu.be/n6xIwINHPPY
> 
> Editor: Michael Loubier & Katie Sandy - Smith

"AHHH!" A woman's scream so loud that it muted all other sounds from the outside world and vines curled onto Gilmore's legs. The image of what was happening barely began forming inside his head and already, a dozen of Air Ashari were standing next to him, spears and staffs at ready. He would have surely fallen if it wasn't for the vines holding him in position. He wobbled for a second until he regained balance and also could now see the terrified expression of Keyleth's face. She hadn't been so lucky to have the something for stability; therefore she was now sitting on the ground, looking angry.

A couple of seconds passed until they both realized what had happened. The Guards were unmoving, ready to stab him if he moved an inch. His problem was that he had no real control over his body while he was tangled up between those vines. He had to say something.

"I really love making an entrance and I love having people greet me but this is not quite what I had in mind." He looked around with a smile but again, none of the guards moved. Keyleth was the one who replied when seeing the teleportation stone on the ground. "Gods, damn it... Gilmore. I freakin' forgot I had this thing." She rapidly signaled the guards to pull away from him, and in an instant the vines disappeared into the ground they sprung from.

Only now could he just observe a little bit of Zephrah, the town of the Air Ashari tribe. He'd never been to the Summit Peaks before, therefore the view of the clouds in the distance rendered him speechless. Keyleth watched the horizon together with him as the first colors of twilight crawled upon the sheets of the sky.

"Welcome to Zephrah." Her voice broke the silence and Gilmore knew he had to turn and face her. He first only caught a glimpse of her mantle, which was falling towards the ground, caressing it. Her red-orange hair shone in the light, and it seemed like it went back to being shoulder length, just like it was when Gilmore first saw her. He knew Keyleth had changed but in that particular moment, nothing of her physical appearance seemed to indicate that. Except, perhaps, the attire she now had to wear as a leader of her people. He continued watching the sky.

"Hey, Gilmore... is everybody alright?" she said almost embarrassed. "Can I ask what you're doing here?" she added. He finally turned towards her.

"Yes. Everybody is alright. I just came to see you, Voice of the Tempest." He bowed his head. "I beg your forgiveness. I was taken aback by the view from up here," he continued.

She moved away from the spot they shared and headed for the round, single carved table next to them. She took a bottle of wine and poured some of it into two heavy chalices. Gilmore also came after her and took the one Keyleth pushed into his hands. She sat down on one of the wooden stools, and while playing with the contents of the chalice she had to speak again.

"I assume you came here because...well, you know." She raised her drink: "To Vax..." He did the same, but again no words escaped him. They both took a sip and she continued, "Who told you?"

"Allura," he sat down as well. She let out a painful "Ha!" and he turned his gaze towards her; she was smiling bitterly. "Then, it means none of us actually had the courage to tell you. Some brave heroes we are..." she commented bitterly.

"Are you implying I am worse to confront face-to-face than Vecna?" Gilmore took a big mouthful of wine and she giggled. It felt sweet and much needed. "Just to be perfectly clear, I am not judging any of you for that," he added yet she didn't seem to believe him. "I am sorry for your loss, Keyleth." He murmured while searching for her eyes for the first time since he set foot upon the mountain top.

She looked at him, empty. "Thank you, Gilmore." She filled both her chalices again and pressed on. "Thank you for all the things you've done for us over the years. Maybe if you weren't so busy, you would have been a great addition to our party".

Keyleth was sincere but the situation seemed so impossibly unreal to her that it almost felt like it wasn't her voice, the one which is uttering the words. She never imagined sitting like this, sharing glasses of wine with the glorious Gilmore in Zephrah. What mind could have thought of this possibility in these circumstances? Between dust and twilight, there they were.

A thought crossed her mind in a split second: "You know, he would have loved to see us here... just talking. He grew fond of this spot over the months because you can easily see dusk settle over the horizon. He'd sit here until it got dark. I guess a part of him really got used to the darkness. He didn't hate it anymore. He embraced it every time." She spoke gently, touching the wood with her extended palm.

Gilmore secretly wondered if Vax missed seeing the sunset, so he turned his back to it, facing only Keyleth on the other side of the table. The coldness of the night started making its presence known as if the day wasn't cold enough until now. "They've told me he did not fear..." he said with a reassuring tone.

She had a tired smile on her face. "No, he constantly asked us to be kind to each other and love each other... as we sat there... looking at a man, literally walking towards his end." Thoughts of all the things they might have attempted to do to save him came to her. "He absolutely didn't want us to compromise his pact with the Raven Queen, but you probably already know that." She looked down towards her lap. "What is there that I could possibly tell you about Vax that you don't already know?" she asked bluntly but didn't see the surprised expression on his face.

"Keyleth, that's not true..." he started to say but she contradicted him instantly. "No. Whatever you don't know, you can deduct. You always had a way of understanding each other." She looked at him peacefully, yet somehow shaken.

"Again, Keyleth, I honestly do not believe that to be the truth." He didn't even consider if that might be the truth or not because, right now, it didn't matter.

"I couldn't help him, Gilmore. Maybe you could have done something. What have we done?" She began trembling.

He shifted his position and extended his hand. "Keyleth, you did more than anybody could have possibly done. Vecna, the Raven Queen – you fought and bargained with gods." He saw the tears in her eyes and squeezed her hand harder. Her sadness was poking at his tired heart more horribly than anything else.

"We loved him and we simply watched him die," she said. Gilmore got up and went around the table and, without hesitation, leaned down to hug her as she still sat there. Her orange hair smelled of the dust of Zephrah. "Keyleth, I am sorry you had to witness that. Just remember that he knew the bargain from the beginning."

The surreal portrait being created by the sky's colors completely paled in comparison to the image of the half-elven druid, Keyleth and the dark skinned, exuberant Gilmore in an embrace, while their eyes pierced the heavens. The man's voice could be heard mingling with the wind. "He was lucky to have you, Keyleth,"

She laughed between tears. "That's exactly what he said to all of us... last. He was lucky," she leaned her back against Gilmore's frame and wiped away some of her tears just for her eyes to immediately start producing more. "He went towards the shadows and there... there was his mother. Waiting... for him. At least, he can now protect her as he always dreamt he could."

Gilmore's curtains blew in the wind. He saw a flash of those violet curtains from his house back in Emon. There, in the chamber near his shop, Vax stood in an armchair and told him about his mother. No champion attire, just a plain, stitched up shirt that allowed Gilmore to get a glimpse of the Clasp's tattoo between his shoulders. Vox Machina didn't exist, ravens were just birds and wind was but a nuisance.

He remembered that was the first evening the rogue came to him without any intention of doing business. However, a transaction had indeed happened but he, the merchant, was unsuspecting. Gilmore received him in his private chamber without the smallest clue that a piece of his heart would be on the table, up for bargaining.

He allowed Vax to sit with him, have some of his wine and talk about his mother. Soon he learned it was actually was the grim anniversary of her death. Vax proceeded to tell him that his twin sister didn't remember the exact date when it happened and that he never told her he did. Whatever Vax couldn't tell the world, he told Gilmore, because Gilmore embodied the world he had yet to discover.

How and when did they evolve from talking over prices of most definitely stolen goods to sharing cups of tea and wine every other night? When did it start, precisely? Did it happen when Vax smiled one morning after a full night of telling Gilmore his adventures? Did it happen when they once said goodbye and after what had become their routine hug, Vax kissed him and walked away? Did it happen the first time Vax addressed him as "Shaun"?

Not even Shaun Gilmore knew when the dance started but he knew that it was in a time with no dust, no wind, no winter, no dragons, no gods, no other people... but him and Vax.

He felt Keyleth's hot tears on his arms as he was still holding her silently. The sun had almost set and Zephrah was falling asleep. Nevertheless, something had awoken inside him at the sight of the soon approaching night.

"I have to go, Keyleth" he said with a somewhat rushed voice. "Forgive me. I kept you up far too long..." and with that he let go of her. She smiled towards him and gave him the teleportation stone. "Take it and know that you can always come visit me. My father says that a person dies when we stop mentioning their name." Gilmore's eyes were about to fill with tears, so he just took the stone and commented "We can put a stop to that. Of course, I'll come. Goodbye, Keyleth." He stepped backwards and shivered when the cold night wind went through the fabric of his clothes.

"Bye, Gilmore."

Her voice sang the lament.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let us know if you liked it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vecna is gone and so is... Vax. Gilmore postponed his life, went to see Vox Machina, saw each and every one of them.
> 
> Playing hide and seek with his pain, Gilmore leaves Keyleth and searches for comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A work which was written in the following weeks after episode 115 aired. Events are inspired by Matt's brief insight into Gilmore's life in an After Dark segment of Talks Machina.  
>  A group consisting of amateur and professional voice actors (all critters) have come together to record it and you can find it on youtube. https://youtu.be/n6xIwINHPPY
> 
> Editor: Michael Loubier & Katie Sandy - Smith

On the rocky terrain of Zephrah, runes started to appear. The purple and violet glow of the arcane immediately covered him as his mind knew exactly where it wanted to go. There was only one place where he could escape the night.

The muttering of the incantation came to him as a poem, and as soon as the last stanza was recited the fresh air of the Ashari village changed into the odor of a closed space. Even if he opened his eyes, there was only darkness around him. He immediately regretted the decision but felt like there was no other place that would have had him in this state he was in.

His hand magically opened two locks – a physical one and one he would have wanted to be able to close in the same heartbeat. The doors opened and a simple, undecorated room stood before him. The morning sun didn't know it was never able to light this chamber up completely ever again, but at least it was warm.

He imagined Vax sitting in the same room, noticing the same bed and door and all the empty spaces. He discarded his traveling cloak on the bed and sat next to it. His body was so tired and the few drops of alcohol he had while talking to Keyleth reminded him that he was flesh and bone. Flesh could be anesthetized, but what has he going to do about the constant pleas of his bones? He took his head in his palms and closed his burning eyes. Perhaps it was a mistake...

 _'Who gets you will be a very lucky... man,'_ said Vax on that last morning they shared in Whitestone. He began recalling the words again with ease. Vax sounded like he wanted to conclude the conversation, but didn't get up to walk away as he always did. He seemed to have no intention of leaving.

"Once you start dancing, you have to continue," Gilmore thought. "If you remember the beginning it is only fair that you remember the end..." It was a morning so much different than this. A morning whose meaning changed nothing, but whose meaning has now been changed forever. The last talk, the last hour... Gilmore felt tears gathering in the cups of his hands and he let them fall, staining his blithesome rings with grief.

Lucky... thought Gilmore again. The man that gets me will be very lucky... _'I know.'_

_'I love you.'_

_'I know.'_

"No. I will not say those words. I will not, Vax. Go to Keyleth. I do not want to give in. You have no intention of leaving and I have no intention of taking advantage of the state you're in. I could do it, if I didn't care for you, I'd give into my selfishness and ruin you. Go!" --- Somehow, in their conversation, all those thoughts just translated to: _'I need to get my morning situated.'_

Reality could hear a sob coming from the edge of the bed...

The way Vax got up to leave, being ushered outside the house, made Gilmore stop him by placing his hand on his shoulder. There were a million things Gilmore could have said. Vax stopped. Vax turned to him to listen. Vax let Gilmore lead the dance in that moment.

Realization: the dance won't ever end. Gilmore didn't predict the departure though. _'Till next time'_

_'Till next... time'_

Another sob... in the woods of Gilmore' soul... echoed into reality. He must find the edge of the woods. He had to pull himself together. He had to find solace.

He got up from the bed and went straight to the door. His feet marched forward, down the stairs, into the living room. Over there, on the couch she was, sipping some hot, morning tea. She must have sensed his presence, because she turned around bewildered. Her shaking hand left the ring of the tea cup to its longing. Her arms extended towards him, and he caught up speed when going around the couch. He placed himself in her arms.

"Shaun..." she whispered so faintly that no emotion could be distinguished in the way she pronounced his name.

"Mother..." he responded between tears and sobs while resting his lavish curls on her chest. "He is dead, mother..." he broke in her arms repeating the same words over and over again.

Sorrin Geddmore walked in carrying a bucket of water only to see his son as he hadn't seen him since he was a child. He couldn't discern what the boy was saying, but he overheard his wife, Opaisa simply muttering, "Oh, my runechild..." Sorrin did not interfere. He placed the bucket down, near the table and just sat down, watching them.

While she cradled him without question, Shaun raised his eyes towards hers and encountered the spectacles framing the beautiful, familiar face. "There will not be a next time... I told him there will be a next time... There will not be a next time," he closed his eyes and her caresses calmed him as he sat his head on her lap.

"My glorious runechild, pain is not timeless. Sleep will soothe it." She felt her son's body relaxing and drifting away with each breath. She looked at Sorrin and he took a white sheet from the drawer and covered Shaun's body. When he bent over him he whispered in his wife's ear: "What happened?"

She didn't stop caressing the beautiful locks while whispering back to her husband: "I think someone he loved very dearly passed away..." Sorrin nodded and sat in the opposite armchair.

They stood and watched their son as he slept while the heat of Shan'dal's sun allowed itself entrance inside the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. One chapter left.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A work which was written in the following weeks after episode 115 aired. Events are inspired by Matt's brief insight into Gilmore's life in an After Dark segment of Talks Machina.  
>  A group consisting of amateur and professional voice actors (all critters) have come together to record it and you can find it on youtube. https://youtu.be/n6xIwINHPPY
> 
> Editor: Michael Loubier & Katie Sandy - Smith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of "Gilmore's Farewell"

On a morning like so many others before it, the sand still claimed the paths made in the desert nearby. There was no coldness in the Geddmores' house, but they watched their son shivering badly under the cover. Ironically, he was burning with fever when Opaisa put her hands on his forehead. She couldn't help but give her husband a worried look. Sorrin got up, and by placing his hand on his sons' face and then shoulder, nudged him awake.

"Shaun... let's get you to bed. You seem to have caught a cold in your travels. Can you come with me upstairs, my boy?" he spoke softly as if loud words might have provoked Gilmore pain.

Seeing his father, Shaun Gilmore smiled and tried to fight the sensation of weakness which had stolen his body while he slept. It was no use, however. As if his body wanted to put him back in his place, he started coughing badly. Maybe coughing would help get all the cold air of Whitestone out of his lungs, he thought.

His darling mother got off the couch the second she was free to do so and walked towards the kitchen to prepare some medicine and food - a predictable gesture to which Shaun smiled and turned his back, walking up the stairs towards his childhood bedroom. His father accompanied him to the door and guided him inside.

Shaun Gilmore watched his father go to the trunk in the back of the room and pull out a fresh set of clothes: a long, plain marquisian shirt that he even forgotten he owned and simple linen pants to go with it. Sorrin placed the clothes on the bed and folded Gilmore's traveling cloak, setting it gently on one of the chairs. He closed the door behind him while kindly asking his son to go to bed.

There was no way escaping the pain from his bones and lungs. He wasn't only tired. He was sick. He obeyed and changed clothes, without forgetting to move the feather as well. Holding it, he smiled at how ruffled it was due to all the pockets it had been into. He usually didn't take it to bed, though. But usually, Vax was alive.

He also didn't expect sleep to catch up to him so quickly again. He fell asleep to the sound of pans and pots working downstairs and the shouts of the traveling merchants outside.

While he could still swear he heard the familiar sounds coming from the exterior of the house, black raven wings extended above his bed and a pale face loomed over him. The dark hair flying to the side contoured Vax's features as he leaned over him. Gilmore barely made out whether the face was moving or not, so he just muttered, "Vax'ildan..."

" _The path of an uncertain heart is not an easy one,_ " he heard Vax's voice speaking his own words. The oversized face shrunk to its normal size, pupils now visible where once there was only blackness. The room faded, altogether at this transformation. There were only threads of life and time around them. Gilmore wanted to get out of the bed to move around in that space, but each time he deserted Vax's eyes to look sideways, his own eyes began hurting with immense pain. He shifted in his bed, uncomfortably.

He then resorted to look only at Vax's almost expressionless visage as his lips continued speaking the same words Gilmore had said to him one night, in a tavern: " _Should you ever need an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on, you know where I am and if I'm not there... you know how to get a hold of me."_

If he had had enough strength he was sure he would have delivered Vax with a slap across the face. Of course he had no idea how to find him! Where should he look? In dreams? In woods? In his collection of violet curtains? "Where, Vax'ildan?" In temples? In pools of blood? In blood?

Vax's eyes smiled and so did his lips, and Gilmore was taken aback. Pain vanished. The familiar feeling of love reigned supreme. He found himself smiling as well, as if he couldn't help it.

" _You're a beautiful arcane bastard..._ " said Vax's lips as they descended towards his just like they'd done before.

Eternity and a human heartbeat danced... in a dream.

"Don't go..." said a sick Gilmore. "That's what my last words to you should have been that morning in Whitestone." He could hear his own desperation and it was pathetic but Shaun didn't care now. A cold forehead rested on his feverish one, and he knew very well it was all in his imagination yet he tried speaking... he tried telling Vax... that...

The image of the rogue silenced him with a " _Shh..._." and then smiled. _"I know"_

Opaisa Geddmore came into the room to check on her son. His sleep wasn't easy, so she pulled the covers which he unwillingly had cast to the side, covering him again. She reached out under the bed and pulled out a wooden box. She took the neatly folded letters in her hands.

"I wonder. Was this Vax... the man you've been writing me about? You never mentioned his name... I'm sorry for your loss, my runechild," she spoke more to herself than him.

In his shallow sleep, he only heard the last sentence. It was the first time someone told him that they were sorry for his loss.

Gilmore mourned in his own way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this first chapter. Let us know if you enjoyed!


End file.
